Year of Journal Entries

To celebrate the end of the year, I thought that it would be interesting to compile some excerpts from my journal entries throughout the year. It's pretty interesting to see the things I've enjoyed, the things I didn't enjoy, and what I thought about the things that happened around me.

There are a few times where I mentioned names of people that I know, so I substituted all the names with letters to maintain anonymity.

It's going to be a long blog post, so sit back, relax and enjoy!

2021-02-12

It's now 6pm. I woke up at 1pm, and didn't do a whole lot of things. However, I feel like I can start now and still get some useful things done. First, I'm going to implement the slideshow onto the StroCar website. After that, I'll start to update my blog and think about ways I can improve it.

It's now 8pm. all in all, the slideshow took me 2 hours to implement. Not too bad. Now, I'm going to spend some time optimising my blog, including adding a comments section on the bottom of my posts. I'll also send myself and automaic email when someone joins my mailing list or leaves me a message. I'm going to take a break and start at 8:30pm.

Of course that didn't end up happening. It's currently 9:43pm, and I'm starting now. Where did that hour go? Well, I was reading a really heartwarming manga. I can't afford to waste so much time though.

It's currently 10:41pm, and I just finished coding up the comments section. It didn't take as much time as I expected. Maybe my skills are improving, bit by bit?

The time now is 11:23pm. I updated the "Projects" page of my website. There's still a lot I want to improve, like the format of project pages, integrating the homepage into the blog app, as well as creating an icon for my website. But for now, this is good enough. I really enjoy the process of creating and building my own website, it's such a fun process. Now, I just want some people to actually read what I'm writing. Oh yeah, and I also want the automatic email function. Didn't implement that yet.

I'm done with my share of coding for today. I'm not that excited about doing the AI smart glasses project, and the main reason is that I don't have a clear idea of how I'm going to accomplish it. The knowledge gap is too big, so I need to take the time to learn the things that I need to.

2021-02-13

Hello! The time now is 2:49pm. I just woke up, had breakfast, and found Fermat's Last Theorem delivered to the mailbox of my house. One of the pages was torn (I suspect that it was a printing error), but the effort to return and redeliver the book is too large for me to warrant the need over a single torn page. I'll deal with it somehow.

It's now 5:47. I want to read some research papers. I'll do that while listening to music. I'll search on Nature Index for good papers, then read them.

Did not happen. The time now is 1:11 am. After reading 133 pages of Fermat's Last Theorem, the drive that mathematicians have for mathematics is something that I'll be unable to replicate, be it now or in the future. This obsession only presents itself to a few select individuals who are willing to commit their lives to such an endeavour.

2021-02-14

The time now is 10:12pm. I've spent the entire day trying to debug my code for the website, but it's not working. Now, the staging app can't be shown. Luckily the actual website is still there, but until I fix the code, I'm not going to be able to update it. How frustrating.

2021-02-15

Tried to integrate LaTeX, then gave up. Why are things so difficult? For now, it feels like everything computer related is out of my reach. I'll just spend a few days to recover my mental state so that I can tackle the problems one by one.

2021-03-11

I've been working on many coding projects lately, though all of them are using Django. Jeopardy, StroCar, personal website, SocManager... 4 Django projects in total. Django is really fun to use, and it's super useful too! I want to learn more about databases and cybersecurity from A. In addition, I also want to learn different tools, such as AI tools (OpenCV)? and other tools that would be useful for future projects. I feel like the next logical step would be app development, so I should try that out.

Finished writing a blog post in less than 24 hours. This means that having a good idea is the most difficult. Because I never get excited about an idea, it takes me really long to write. But if I had inspiration for an idea I'm excited about (like this one), then it wouldn't take very long to write 1000 words at all. Granted, it's a relatively short blog post. I would like to add some stuff to it, but I don't know what.

I'm also heading off to the MFH at 2pm today. Yay!

2021-03-15

Coded for over 18 hours yesterday. Even I'm surprised by my own dedication.

2021-03-17

Omg I spent so much time on the mechanics prep. It's not cool.

I have 7 days left until I need to submit the electronics writeups. This is crazy.

2021-03-20

Spent 3 hours coding with A and B. I guess I really like it.

2021-03-23

Woke up late today. I meant to wake up at the 7:30 alarm, but woke up at the 7:55 one instead.

I was meant to have a US university personal statement workshop today that started at 4:30pm. I clicked on the Zoom link at 4:27pm, waited until 4:37pm but the meeting was never started. Being the observant person that I am, I noticed that the meeting was for the 26th of February and contacted C to ask if she had the proper link. Turns out she didn't, so after a bit of contemplating I decided that we should go to Westons, where a group of people were zooming in together. That was a really smart decision, and it meant that we didn't miss the entire session. Apparently a new link was sent out to everyone, but for some reason C and I were unable to receive it.

From this story, I feel like I did a good job in solving that problem. Rather than giving up and blaming it on someone else, I took the initiative and did the best I could to solve the problem, and solve the problem I did.

I played the piano for a bit today. Even though it was only a single melody with one hand, I felt a lot of fun playing it, and it was the first time I actually enjoyed playing the piano. I hope that I would have another chance to play it soon.

2021-03-24

I actually need to revise for discrete maths. I know what happens when I don't prepare. I can't do this. I'll wake up early tomorrow to do some revision. I also have thursday free period + after school to do this (though I don't have a lot of time because of drama). I'll have to make full use of my time.

2021-03-28

I'm spending too much time worrying about LaTeX, and not enough time actually learning the content. This is so frustrating.

It's currently 2:40am, and I'm reflecting back on what I did today. I felt really frustrated the entire day because I felt like I have nothing is going really well. Until now, I still can't find a summer work experience, which is super bad. My SAT scores were fine, but not getting full marks on the maths section is really bugging me. I hate this feeling of incompetence. I also spent so much time trying to recap alcohols, but it's just so hard to understand. Chemistry is interesting, but sometimes (most of the time) I just get so confused. It feels like a whole boatload of memorising, and I know that I'm terrible at that. I'm trying to understand what's going on, but it's simply not going well for me.

2021-04-01

I've been spending 12+ hours every day just coding with A and B. I need to spare some time for other things.

2021-04-04

I should probably do a bit more academic revision in preparation for the end of year exam. I need to make notes for physics that I can revise reliably from in the coming months and years. I also need to revise chemistry, especially the topics from play term. I'm not doing very well in chemistry, and to make up for my lack of affinity with the subject I need to put in more work than I usually do.

2021-04-08

Am I chilling too much nowadays?

2021-04-10

When I write the to do tasks on paper, I'm much more likely to complete them.

2021-04-14

I can't waste so much time. I'm so frustrated with myself. Why can't I just focus?

2021-04-15

Quite happy with my projectile motion notes. They look good, and it only took me an hour. It's much quicker than doing them by hand (I think). Granted, there isn't much content in the chapter.

2021-04-16

I forgot to bring the lighting file back home, so there's nothing I can do right now. I'll have to do the lighting plan when I get back to school on Monday. How frustrating.

2021-04-20

When I was making the lighting plan, I noticed that all the lights were very symmetrical - if there was one on the left, there was one on the right. I wonder what would happen if we rig the lights to be highly unsymmetrical. Wouldn't that potentially make for a cool lighting? Maybe I'll bring this up with D next time.

2021-04-21

I'm really scared for parent's evening. I know that I did badly for Mr Botton's test, so I'm definitely getting screwed over for that. It's punishment for not doing well, so there's nothing I can say about it and I fully accept it. It's a matter that's completely out of my own control, so I'll just work hard and do better for the next test.

2021-04-25

Today was such an intense day. From morning to evening, just physics revision. I don't want to do poorly for the test tomorrow.

Did a lot of revision today. Hopefully I'll be able to do well tomorrow.

2021-04-27

I got 6/13 for my chemistry crystal structures prep. This is so bad. What on earth is going on?

I really hope I do well for the test tomorrow. I know that I can't remember everything (especially when I need to apply things to a question), but I hope that the right method just comes to my brain when I'm answering the questions. Read the question carefully, think carefully about the concept being tested, and hit the mark scheme. That's all I need to do. But easier said than done.

2021-04-28

Events: Chemistry main group test

The revision definitely paid off, but I don't know if it paid off enough for me to do well. Chemistry is hard, and the markscheme is unpredictable.

2021-05-01

Once I'm back home, I feel so much lazier. Maybe I should change my clothes and tie my hair in order to get into the mood of working.

Once I get into the mood of working, things flow a lot more naturally. I find that I'm able to do tasks that are well defined (e.g. completing preps or doing reading), but not tasks that don't have a rigid expectation (e.g. general revision). Maybe if I specify exactly what I'm going to do during the time allocated for revision (e.g. taking notes or doing practice questions, things will get easier. Maybe I just work better when there's clarity on what exactly I need to accomplish, and how I'm going to accomplish it.

You know, I've been trying to fix the gps module for ages, and it's simply not working. I don't know what the issue is. It used to work during the last holiday, but it just doesn't anymore. I'm so tired and frustrated. I'll bring the GPS module out to the garden tomorrow, and see if I can get stuff working.

2021-05-02

I always overestimate the amount of effort it takes to do something, and end up procrastinating. When I actually get to doing it, it takes much less time than expected and I wonder why I put it off for so long.

2021-05-04

events: sees.ai visit in Chichester

The company visit went well, but not super super super well. I hope that I'm able to get the position. Please. Please!!

2021-05-06

It's 9:30am and I'm in the middle of my free period, but I don't really know what to do. It feels like I have a lot to think about (lighting, electronics, SAT prep, IELTS), but I don't really feel like doing any of that right now. Everything just feels too overwhelming. They call this analysis paralysis, don't they? Maybe I'll just take a break for now and get to class on time, get in the mood for the day through the help of mechanics.

It's 6:25pm. I just took a 1 hour break. I need to get back to revising electronics.

2021-05-07

E from sees.ai replied and said that I could have a 2 week internship trial before they make a final decision on whether to accept me for even longer.

I really want to wake up earlier, but it just never seems to work. Ideally, I would go to bed at around 10 (I never get anything done after that anyways), and wake up at around 5:30 (giving me 7.5 hours of sleep every night).

2021-05-08

I had a look at F's prep and the difficulty is simply on a whole other level. It's frustrating that I'm falling way behind, but there simply is nothing I can do other than self study the best I can. Even if math isn't my first priority, I still need to spend a lot of time on it. I'll make sure I do so.

2021-05-09

I woke up at 3:30am to go to the toilet due to a terrible stomachache. I then ended up staying awake until 5:30am before going back to sleep. Finally woke up at 9:30am feeling all grudgy and not awake. It's not going great, is it? I wonder what I ate yesterday that caused me to have to go to the toilet in the middle of the night. If it's the cake rolls, then I'm in trouble, because I ate another one this morning.

After the phone call with E, I'm absolutely riveted about my summer. I'm sure I'm going to freaking love it. AHAHAH. It's amazing!! Contrast that with the first paragraph I wrote just now. Funny how a 15 minute conversation with someone I barely know can light up my day just like that.

2021-05-10

The 1st day of rehearsals for the government inspector (with a new script).

During the rehearsals, I mostly just sit there and watch them act. There are a few points where I'm shifting some of the lights, but even then it's mostly done by D (I still haven't developed the sense needed to independently create a scene).

2021-05-11

Many people say that they're either a morning or late night person, but I'm not sure if I believe in that stuff. Is it a placebo effect, or does this genuinely exist?

2021-05-12

Want to read The Box, but I should wait until I finish reading the Signal and the Noise. Maybe I should read the 48 Laws of Power instead? It's such a difficult decision, deciding which book I want to read, even though it shouldn't be. I am interested in the 48 Laws of power, though, so I think that's what I will go with.

I didn't realise it when I read the book before, but reading The 48 Laws of Power makes me feel repulsed by how directly the author talks about playing power games and manipulating other people to get what you want. It's kind of hard to continue reading, but I wonder why I have that problem now when it was never an issue to me when I read the book before. Maybe I've been brainwashed by society in a way to find this kind of behaviour unacceptable? It won't stop me from reading the book as I still think it would be a valuable read, but it's simply intruiging how my reactions to the content of the book has differed in the span of a few years.

2021-05-14

Spoke to G during chem practical today. She's doing a lot of stuff for the Huxley society bio committee, and I'm not doing anything at all for the CS committee. I'll see if I can do a CS discussion thing, similar to how the bio side is doing it.

Fortunately, I managed to publish a blog post yesterday after 2 months of not posting anything. Hopefully I would be able to follow a more regular upload schedule, but it's hard. I don't really have the inspiration, and when I do, I usually manage to finish writing a post and publishing it in a single day. Simply put, I'm super sporadic with writing.

How do I maintain a (relatively) regular schedule? First, I should set a schedule. I know it's normal to publish weekly, but it's kind of hard with my time committments, so maybe I'll go with every two weeks.

I know that I really enjoy pretty much all aspects of computer science. The theory, the programming, the maths (discrete maths lessons are pretty enjoyable) and even the paper reading. However, one concern that's holding me back is the feeling that I'm not going to be able to be creative, do some writing, drawing, socialising, things that I as a human would want to do. Not that I can't do them at all, but it's not going to be part of the job. Reading as well. I really enjoy reading books about psychology, about society (not so much economics), about productivity, but I'm not sure how that comes into play with computer science.

But after writing this down and seeing my fears on the page, I've come to realise that it doesn't affect my decision to pursue computer science. I know that I enjoy it, I would like to continue to learn more about it, and that's enough. It's normal for a career not to envelope your entire life, as it should be.

My dream job would be when I don't have to work for money. I would work as a consultant (helping other people solve problems) and as a researcher (pushing the technological frontiers) while being a writer (blogs, books, articles). If I could gain some recognition for my work, that would also be great.

2021-05-15

Had 2 chem theory lessons, really enjoyed them. I guess I really enjoy the theory much more than the practicals. If I'm going to be studying a subject in university, I also want it to be mostly theory and not so much practical. However, computer science "practical" is an exception, as it's just programming, and often it's meant to work. If it doesn't work, it's your fault, not some random issue with the environemnt or the reagent or whatever, and you can fix it. I guess it's the fact that it always works that I like? Or that it's meant to always work. The clarity of the subject is really beneficial to me, who always likes to ask "why".

I feel really really tired today. I know that I'm supposed to work, but it's just super hard to focus. Right now it's almost 10pm, and I just spent half an hour doing practically nothing because my mind is simply not working. Even before then, while I was doing my alcohols notes, my mind was just not clear enough to think, and I ended up simply copying my old notes over without even reading them. I really need to get my act together.

2021-05-16

Woke up feeling very well rested and energetic.

2021-05-17

Deep work is the type of book that I really enjoy reading. Practical and enlightening advice that can change the way I currently behave. Although the 48 laws of power is also interesting, I couldn't see how it could be applied to my own life, which is why the book felt less relatable and hence less interesting.

2021-05-18

Honestly speaking, there was a lot more I could have done for engineering club way earlier. It's nearing the deadline, and our team is so behind that we might not ever catch up. I feel very sorry, because I didn't really contribute much to the team effort and I could have done.

The conversation with H was sooo awkward. We just stared at each other, not knowing what to say. Sighs. When can I be better at the art of conversation?

2021-05-19

I wrote 500 words for the Harvard Book Prize essay, showed it to my sister, and she basically told me to rewrite it. I'll rewrite it today and see what she thinks.

2021-05-20

events: Engineering safe video deadline

That hour where I edited the video was the most stressful hour of my life. I'm never going to do this ever again. My God.

Spent the entire prep reading deep work, but given that I've exhausted all my mental ability editing that video, it's a good use of my time. I'm almost done with the book. Maybe I can consolidate and publish some of my thoughts about the book.

2021-05-21

events: Finished reading Deep Work by Cal Newport

Deep work is a really good book. It brings me back to focusing on deep concentrated work, and makes me want to be more productive in each of my hours.

2021-05-28

events: Got discrete test back, not bad (did better than expected)

Given that I didn't revise at all for the discrete surprise test, I was pleasantly surprised by how much I remembered from revision for the Lent term test.

2021-06-02

Listening to the Not Overthinking podcast, and I've been going through a few of their episodes every day.

It's already wednesday (the fifth day of my half term break), and it feels like I didn't really manage to get anything done. Things I've managed to get done:

• completed physics and chemistry notes
• did pure math practice questions
• did discrete math practice questions
• did physics waves, electricity questions

Things I need to do:

• chemistry questions
• physics other topics questions
• mechanics practice questions
• SAT revision

Now that I look back at it, it's not too bad. I managed to get at least a few solid hours in every day. After eating dinner, I'll go back and crank out a few more hours of discrete revision. I also need to do some more physics revision, as well as do some SAT learning.

2021-06-06

events: Sunday before the week of exams

I feel really unprepared.

I just realised that I still have a whole C2 write up to do. Ahhhh.

2021-06-13

I've been speaking more with C these two days, and I think that she's a pretty interesting person.

I've also been doing zero work for the past two days, but it's been an enjoyable weekend. I really hope that there are more weekends like these, where I can just relax and hang out and do what I really enjoy doing.

Lol mummy just interrogated me about my 11 pound Uber bill.

2021-06-20

events: Completed problem solving class questions

It took me 2 hours to do the first 9 questions when I was simultaneously watching youtube, but it took me 45 minutes to do the last 11 questions when I was focused on problem solving. This just goes to show that multitasking is a scam.

Have you ever had the feeling of waking up and not wanting to go to school, going to school and not wanting to go back home, going back home and not wanting to sleep? It's always the start that is the hardest. Once you go into the flow of things, you always find youself wondering why you were so hesitant to start in the first place.

2021-06-21

Met a remove called J today, and he was so intimidating.

2021-06-28

I emailed K asking for a conversation, thinking that he probably wouldn't reply. But lo and behold, within a few hours he said yes!! I'll be speaking to him tomorrow. This is absolutely crazy. I'm really glad that I reached out to him and asked to speak to him, but I'm also a bit scared as to what he'll think of me. But does it matter? If our conversation doesn't work out (which I can't imagine why), I probably won't ever see him in real life. It'll be fine. It'll be cool. It's a good experience. And the sense of resistance that I feel, once I overcome the obstacle I'll devour that resistance and I'll become so much braver in the next endeavour.

I realise that I'm very much engrossed in the notion of gamifying life. Turning life itself into a game with quests, achievements, rewards, levels and points is something I find really interesting. Currently, my quest log is a simple todo list in Vim, but one day I hope to develop my own application to host this game life of mine.

2021-06-29

Spoke to K today and it was really helpful. I'm really glad that I got to learn what he knows. He really is cynical about academia, but I think that this is a viewpoint that I'm lucky to get exposed to now, before I truly enter academia.

2021-07-21

I want to succeed in life. Not the typical definition of "succeed" as in lots of money and high salary and a good job, but "succeed" as in changing the world. Leaving an important legacy. Giving something so valuable, that no amount of money can buy.

I'm probably suited to be an academic.

2021-09-18

Had a discussion with mummy over dinner about whether to sign a prenup before marriage. It ended with my sister and I being punished to wash the dishes and also being "grounded" for a week (as in she's not going to take care of us for a week). How did we even get here?

It's the next day (quite obviously I wrote the above after 12am last night) and my mother cooked food for me, fed me medicine and pretended everything was normal. The conversation yesterday didn't exist, and she didn't just proclaim to take a week off. Not that I'm complaining.

2021-10-01

Took a look at KCL and St Andrews. KCL was good, but St Andrews was a 4 year bachelor course. I think that I will apply to KCL and Warwick.

2021-10-05

I had drama rehearsal form 2-6:30pm today, and it wasn't enjoyable, to say the least. By the last two hours, I was hungry, sleepy, and sad. To imagine that I have to do this for the next three days! I know that I signed up for this, and I don't regret signing up for it one bit (I want to be continually involved in drama), but it's just more committment than I anticipated would be expected of me.

I think that it's not that the process is unenjoyable, it's just the long hours of continous focus that really wore me down. The lack of a lunch definitely didn't help. Hopefully tomorrow and the days after would be better.

2021-10-10

Read "The Man Who Knows Too Much" which is about Alan Turing. It's a really insightful book, because I learnt a lot about Turing's personal and professional life. There were some parts where I truly sympathised with Turing, especially about the full acceptance of machines as separate entities that weren't inherently repulsive to me as a human being. Many people inherently reject the notion of artificial intelligence, but I, like Turing, see it as nothing more than fact of the matter.

2021-10-22

Haven't been focused the last two days. Barely managed to get anything done. Maybe I should go out and take a walk sometimes. And I really need to stop watching anime and youtube. Get used to not listening to anything while working, however boring it is.

Half-assed the 2019 MAT and did the 2018 TMUA paper again. I feel like there are certain types of questions that I'm just not properly equipped to answer. Oddly, I feel pretty unprepared.

2021-10-23

I can't do any of the CSAT Section B questions by myself. It's too hard!

2021-11-16

Had my CS mock interview today. I don't think I did very well. In fact, I feel like I didn't do well at all.

I could tell that he wasn't very impressed with me. The only thing he praised was my confidence, which is hardly something that you want to be praised for during an interview. He said that I should brush up on electronics and first order differential equations. He said I did well on the sieve. He said that algorithms were a common topic to interview someone on and time complexity was also a big thing, but it seemed that I was okay with that. He also mentioned algorithms as a big topic to test on. In the end, he said good luck for your interview and I hope that it goes very well. Honestly speaking, at that point I was just plain embarrased. This was a terrible interview. I could have done so much better than I did, but at the same time I knew that I couldn't have know what I didn't know. In the end, it's simple fact that I performed poorly during the mock interview.

At least after the mock, I have newfound determination. I know that I'm not good enough, and I know how to improve. I see the path ahead of me, and I also have the determination because I have an awareness of my situation.

2021-12-14

It's the first Tuesday of Christmas break, and I'm so glad that I get this time off. I'm spending most of my time just chilling and doing nothing, but for the first time in a while, I don't feel a single bit guilty about it.

Conclusion

Looking back at all the journal entries I've made really brought back some memories. I didn't include everything in this blog post, mainly because some things are too personal to be posted on the internet. But I'm glad that I took the effort to record the things that I've experienced in the last year, even though there were a few gaps in the record (for example I barely wrote anything during the summer holidays).

Looking forward, I'm probably going to put more effort into keeping a journal, and writing down things that happen and what I'm feeling when they happen. Hopefully you've enjoyed reading this, let me know how you thought your year went!